Reflections

well, as few might know i certainly was a bit of a killjoy last year and bit of this year as yes i was depressed.

but screw it let's not focus on that, that's dirt and ash now.
i sit here at 2:48 am, a bit tired but just too attentive to give a damn.
some thoughts often go into my head at night, i have always been a night kid i remember staying up as late as i could watching the star's out my window, i never made it past midnight or 1 am. damn sleep deprivation would always win the battle. it feels good to be up so early because its a good feeling to know that apart from street bound drunkards and maybe the odd person or two in their house, i am isolated. i feel like i have the world at my fingertips and everyone is busy dozing. its the same as being a ship alone in the vast ocean, you feel a certain authority to walk around naked or just yell stuff, you feel free in a sense because the fact is everyone is not one this world anymore there all happily dreaming in their sleep (sleeps over rated =)

now to get to the basis of my post this morning,
i feel as if i have just come out of a tropical storm (no nots because I'm in welly) it feels as if i have been thrown around, tossed about, toyed with, abused and hurt by the storn yet i walk out a new man. its funny when you go to look back on things you just think, what on earth was i doing? how did i manage to get there? it gives me a great sense of achievement to know that despite everything i have endured for the past tow years (maybe longer, apply the boiling frog theory) it was getting worse ever since when i started high school. i didn't know it my excuse was always "I'm just a teenager" but like the frog i had no clue what was wrong till it was too late, the thing is when i was in there, freaking out, giving up over and over again realising that there was nowhere i could go after i did give up anyway, i felt something tugging at me inside. it was something that was almost saying "come on Daniel you're not like this snap out of it" did i listen to it?

nope at that point and time i was too self obsessed to care, my only thoughts would be why me? or why isn't she texting back? does anyone care? etc etc. as i look back on it i realise just how dumb i was, even typing this down helps me put into focus just how much i have changed, it feels like i have literally gone from a kid to an adult (well that generally is the purpose of adolescence huh?) but i really need to put emphasis on this point, the appropriate analogy would be like seeing a seed turn into a tree, you look at the seed and think how on earth is that going to turn into a tree, you come back to years later and think, wow THAT came out of the seed? the seed being no bigger than any of your nails has turned into a towering (or not) tree that is now taller than you.
most of us accept these things and just say "well what happens, happens" but i think this i an abuse of the changes that take place. (if you're a thinker i think you will see where I'm coming from)

i feel, well I'm firstly glad that it's all over, i always told myself "this is part of life, get through it and you will come out for the better" and knowing now that i don't retaliate when someone insults me (unless as a harmless joke), i don't feel anger in myself (only annoyance from time to time), i don't feel an ounce of jealousy, i don't feel worthless, i don't feel as if i have to prove myself to anyone, i don't feel as if I'm compelled by what others think of me, i barely feel anything now ( in the good sense) except love, whether it be love towards my mates, my really close friends, that special someone (I'll get back to you on that), love for family or even love towards a stranger who text's me and i find out they are feeling down but don't bother asking their name, as names to me are unimportant, its the person who touches you, words can never equate to the feelings of love from one human to another (too true)

the bible (without going to deeply religious on those that aren't) Tell's us that good trees will bear good fruit and bad trees, bad fruit. i think we can all take a lesson in this as it Tell's us that to produce great feelings for ourselves or for other's we first need to look into our own soil and ask "what do i not want in my life?" and for me personally god has allowed me to answer that question and helped with the disposal of those thing's, im not going to stay on this topic of religion as i know personally the last thing you non-religious people want is someone ranting about how god saved them, but i feel it is definitely worth a mention.

words will never be able to explain the senses of man, they have always failed to do so as well (well with complete accuracy that it) why do you think we are so akin to quotes? we love the idea that word's will describe what's inside we love the idea of communicating with other's what we are feeling ( it what we were made to do) however od you notice that we always either have a big list of quotes or go from one to another? i feel obliged to call some of these experiences, experiences of joy and ecstasy.

i also feel compelled to let any of you know that if you ever want to talk in more detail about my experiences or have any questions about what,why,how etc than i am more than happy to do my best ot answer, don't get me wrong i don't think i am better than any of you for my experiences, that is another thing i got rid of. pride.
and i sure as heck know now that my reason for being here is to do just as i have, sharing my experiences, helping anyone out anytime (literally 24/7), not for self glory, not to say that im a good person (although i do acknowledge my efforts at times and do occasionally wish others would acknowledge it) but all that doesn't matter.
a friend in need is a friend indeed, i don't care if your black, white, fat, thin, mental, weak, or whatever, what matters to me is what is on the inside for what lies on the inside is not only your inner child, but the truth, the truth about yourself and all the answers to all your questions, what lies on the inside is the seed, we are the soil harvesting our tree and just like the tree diagram we have many routes and paths that we can choose and ultimately the eyes are the gate way to the soul (one of my firm beliefs, hence they are my favourite body part) there is a reason our head is closer to our mouth than our heart.
thinking is good, never stop questioning everything. use your word's despite the weakness of them i have just pointed out they still hold power and words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning.