Familiarities

Its sad when you have familiarities invovled with debt, anger and general dissapointment in life.

i sit here, once again in debt, i need not go into details but its 1100 this time.

It all feel's so familiar and I wander how on earth I got back to this depressive state. With all do respect its not my fault this time, and I say that in honesty, not in a way that is trying to pass on the blame from myself. It would appear that I do indeed love to serve others, I love to love others. In the state I'm in, which is all to familiar for my liking I wander why I bother anymore. It would seem I get nothing back physically or spiritually and its this caring, loving and serving side of myself that has seemed to have gotten me into this scenario and all I can think is. Why?

I hear so many stories of God Blessing people, Healing them, Restoring them. And needless to say I have had revelations from God, in fact one just last thursday but I begin to wander, when am I truly going to get something back? I have given up so much for the 'Jesus Way of Life' and what have I got to show for it? Whilst I write I think of what one preacher once said, and that is that if i'm wandering when my next blessing or revelation is I need to put my trust in God, look back to the last one he gave me and live on that promise. My last revelation was when I was breaking down, because I came to the realisation that I have no idea what I'm doing next year and i just cried out to God, trusting in him. I opened my bible and there stood the words "Go in peace, Your journey has been approved by the Lord." I am trying with all I have to keep that as my foundation right now but after giving up so much of my life to God I sadly have to say I'm beggining to doubt him.

My journey to the Lord has been one of complete logic as that is how i function and God is aware of that, so in that aspect I have no doubt that the Judea Christian God exists. My doubt lies in the favour-itism. I put that dash there for a reason. God doesn't play favourites but he does have favour for some rather than others, And that is biblical. As I came to face the facts of my situation I had to clearly write out my priorities. And for me that is money, the money that I don't have. 400 of it being fines that will get me a police record if not paid. So this means I'm not going to finish the duration of my schooling which to me is a major dissapointment, not because I like school but because it means i have wasted my whole year, its gone. thats time i could have spent working. whether it be for the kingdom of God or the numerical currency we strive to attain.

tommorow I will be working all day, I'm hoping this will help prepare me for working full time, or whatever it is I end up doing next year. As I have said the sad part is that this all came to happen through my kindness towards others, my willingness to help and let them have a fun time. I can't help but feel utmost hatred at this. If this is what I get for being kind and loving then maybe I should never bother ever again, I even begin to feel my thoughts that say "if I died right now i wouldn't have these problems." however I know I've overcome this before and I'm better than that.
but will anyone notice me this time? will anyone thank me? will anyone help me for a change? will they be grateful for the sacrifices i make to make them happy?

I can only hope to get over myself in this time, in the sense that I need to focus on God, and trust that my problems are but a dust particle to him, they are no problem for him to handle, but will I be able to really surrender myself to him? it's one thing for me to pray this, to sing it in the songs. But I simply don't know how to open myself up to him. for this I begin to think "when will he open me up and operate?" because if I can't willingly do it then I can only pray that he will force it upon me.

I wish i could go in peace, knowing that my journey is approved by the Lord himself but I.. I just can't.