Unhappy Birthday

well as you can see that title is rather grimm, tis a title that no-one should have to begin their blog post with. so let me explain.

firstly thank you to those few that did remember (mostly family) you made the beggining of my day very swell. i appreciate the presents they all have a lot of thought in them i can tell.
this year i didn't really want anyone to dance around and sing happy birthday, to me i just wanted it to be another day, you must be thinking "why? its the day fro celebrating your life!" yes i relise that but the paradox of the matter is that that is the very reason i didn't want you to make a fuss over celebrating it this year, last year i was let down with my expectations of the day, and that ebded quite horribly. this year i almost eradicated my expectations, yet was still let down quite badly yet again.

first spell of school i got my geo exams back and failed two out of three papers (i feel hatred for nz's education system and the way it functions) and due to the bracketed reason i was not too upset, i let it blow over, only one of my "friends" remembered that it was today and that was because her cell phone reminded her, at the end of the day barely half a dozen people gave me their condolences.

while book shopping and just killing time in the mall, i got some texts from a mate, i wont go into what the text's were about as that is a personal matter, but basically ended with her saying "yea fuck you!" and not replying after that, now apparently its my fault for having a bad day that i ended up hurting her, im sorry but am i not allowed to feel compelled to at least a little praise on my BIRTHDAY!. obviously i was mistaken when i awoke with that expectation. i don't ecpect much from my friends let alone on my birthday, but what i do expect is decency which is why i get so torn apart when those expectations are not fulfilled. birthdays are no longer about the presentts to me, nor about my own selfish pride but the least i expect is some gratification for the effort i put in for every friendship i have ever built. is that too much too ask? am i really that self centred?

the only solutions i see to this problem is one of the following.
either you all do me a favour and let me have my wish of not celebrating my brithday.
or i ditch the friendships that i have worked so hard to build over the years and find a whole new group who will give a damn about my feelings and who i am as a person, i generally am very tolerant and can take a lot of stuff before i crack, but this is all too much, i simply can't go on like this.

im sure this is all just a rant of the moment, but i am never deleting this post, i want my friends to know that their actions can seriously hurt a person, their ignorance is not bliss and their arrogance is certainly not a thing to joke about.

i have one last visit from a friend tonight, maybe she can redeem me from my slumber of sadness.

i did all i could to stay close to god today and not let the little things get to me, i was the most tolerant i have ever been today but its all too much, i felt a little better at bible study tonight as they went to greater lengths than my supposed friends were able to go to, to make my day something worthwhile. i didn't feel any different when i woke up but my eyes are certainly opened to a lot as i go to bed tonight.

thanks, god bless...