Emotional Upset

well lets take a more personal side of things for a change.
so far this year almost nothing has gone right for me.
i loved my trip to America to start the year and endless amounts of thanking to my father for that.
however as most know by now, my grandfather passed away during my time there.
i will never forget the moment its was the 18Th of February and we were in Kinko's printing off something or rather (American time BTW) T read the email from my auntie Jane and told my father to call, quickly.
dad got off the phone and he didn't need to say a word he looked me in the eyes and i knew.
"hes gone" he said, at this point i didn't know what to say or do or think, but my gut twisted.
i stood strong for the next few days supporting my dad but inside i was torn apart.
i turned to god at that point and asked him to give me and my father all the strength possible to try and enjoy the rest of our trip and to our surprise we were able to.

after i got back most things seemed to go swell, i bought my first car with some help from my dad and now i had to go down to Christchurch to get it. whilst down there i went and buried my grandfathers ashes with my father.
the experience stirred many many emotions and thoughts but once again i stood strong (hurting inside) and supported my father. to this day i still have some of those thoughts the main one being.. "one day we will all just be a memory" from flesh and bone to text or words from others still alive (how depressing) when i got back i was coping alright.

then taupo came, that was a great time spent with one of my best Friends and my current girlfriend. after i got back to wellington everything seemed to fall apart.
my feelings died for her as i had come to realisation of some much stronger ones for another person. (i think in the end i dated her out of the blindness of my loneliness, was scapegoating her for the feelings i had for another person, it hurts just to say that) we eventually broke up and in the same week i crashed my car. took my eyes off the road for two seconds and rear ended someone, the only positive out of this is that i knew the person so they didn't contact the police or check my (learners) license. (yes i know i didn't tell you dad, too ashamed to do so, embarrassed etc etc)

between then and.. 2 weeks ago i did nothing, just worked and saved every penny i could.
then 2 weeks ago it was my (ex)girlfriends birthday, i told her before our relationship that i didn't want it to effect our friendship but nay..
i wrote her a letter telling her how she was a great person and she took it completely the wrong way, she now avoids me and so do her little group of girl friends, always giving me little looks around the school (its no wonder i want to leave).at this time in the year i had lost two very close friends to me the first being a whole different story but the second obviously being my previous girlfriend, not to mention my childhood friend left to south Africa at the end of last year (for two years) and well I'm still trying to accept that i cant text her anytime i want.. i eventually got over my previous girlfriend/friend that and as of yesterday i was over everything.

i felt on top of the world yesterday (Wednesday) i had lots going wrong but i had managed to just accept it and get on with life, its an amazing feeling. words cant describe how great i felt yesterday but one thing that proves my point is that i had SO much energy the whole day (even though i barely had anything to eat)

then today at school was good, mufti day,late start and early finish. then i got home and found a letter for me in the mail i saw that it was from the insurance company (of the other car) and decided to stall by going to the toilet first.

i now sit here (11:17pm Friday night) with a 6 grand debt(5600 to the insurance company and 400 to my dad) and just generally feeling like giving up.

i know this is not an option for their is no salvation past death, it will be taking the easy way out and im not like that anyway. the main thing yanking my chain at the moment is the fact that so far this year things have gone like this.
disappointment------stable-------trying to fix my problems-------disappointment---------
that cycle has not stopped at all this year and it just feels like everything i do to try and fix the problems i have it just turns to shit and/or makes things worse for me.
i cant help thinking that I'm a failure, my school grades (most of them) are declining as a result and i find myself trying to turn to alcohol to temporarily make things better.

deep down i know that this is gos testing but also deep down i know i have generally just not done much right this year at all. i find myself pushing away the ones i love because they get too close, they try to help but i find myself not able to open up to them without getting the way i currently am.

i think tomorrow i will realise writing this all down helped. but as of this current time i just need to be alone, think about things and try my best to sort out this mess i have made...

*huge sigh*
I'm out

(i know ill think of something else i wanted to say later on but meh ill edit if its really necessary)