isn't it beautiful?

going to attempt to write a poem, will just be thoughts however.

eternal cosmos.

your love for us is never ending and limitless,
like the earths orbit it is a never ending cycle.
we go on with our lives only taking what we need,
yet you offer so much more.

on and on life goes,
like the constant flow of the ocean.
we live our lives is despair,
desperate for the big picture.

there is so much more to life than politics and our economy,
so much more, yet we are all so seemingly blind.
to be blind is not a curse,
having sight without a vision is.

days, months, years pass us by yet we make no effort,
no effort to explore beyond the limitation's of our mind.
the stars are everlasting,
burning on and on, giving us hope and inspiration.

the stars are all part of a network, an eternal cosmos,
we fail to comprehend that we are part of this network.
the big picture is that we have given in to our 'insignificant other'
we are not living lives that are healthy let alone wholesome.

generations come and go, but it all stays the same,
we fathom venturing out of our normal train of thought.
finding something that is there yet so little of us can grasp it,
we feel its effect yet we fail to chase after it.

consumerism has consumed our world into damnation,
it has given us false hope and allowed us to abandon our Morales.
the inventions of our mind all have limitations,
yet we have lost so much vision that we cant separate the inventions from the conventions.

hundreds have come and go giving us messages,
messages of hope, inspiration, intelligence, morality, self worth.
we are all hearing these messages,
but are we listening?

the eternal cosmos is everlasting and its a cycle,
cycle between life and death.
in between we can find true joy and ecstasy,
we all know this yet fail to take action.

love inspires life, love is the essence of our existence,
but what of supernatural love?
we all feel a sense of supernatural or spiritual love,
and it enquires and inspires within us something that is real and everlasting.

life inspires purpose, purpose is an easy idea to grasp,
yet we all don't even reach out for it.
we live life with love but without purpose,
will you be just a statistic?

psychedelic placebos of consumerism is what we are living off,
we accessorise and glamorise out lives.
we have lost touch with our eternal purpose,
soul's are undeniable yet we reject them to cater to our bodies.

the cosmos is a cycle, one which we need to break,
for it has become corrupt, it is lacking the love of our souls.
yet the world will still be spinning, round and round,
as we consume our lives in meaningless task's of temptation.

how long? how long will it take for our generation to wake up?
to be stop rejecting our soul's and spirituality.
we need a crusade, of righteousness and love,
a movement away from the sloth we are living in.

there will always be a 20/20 view, from evil to divine,
we know it yet we continue to give into the evil.
still the earth spins in the eternal abyss of darkness,
never closer to the light and ever falling into the darkness.

energy fields are everywhere, from the fish in the sea,
the gods give us positive energy sensations, we feel them.
still we fall into the graves we dig ourselves,
still we fail to seek, for something more.

the fall of man is imminent, our hope burns bright
within the heart of our soul's, something deep inside is stirring.
will you answer its call?
or will you hear this message yet not listen to it?

the things unseen to us inspire wisdom, love, fear and righteousness,
tangible subjects offer temporary highs, for life is temporary.
souls are eternal, and permanent,
our lives are like a whisper in the wind, quick and quiet.

lets make some noise, lets make out voices heard,
love is eternal and disruptive, fear is temporary and subtle.
the cosmos goes on, ever changing; for the worse,
let our lives be that of a dying mans screams.

loud, painful and memorable.



give me your thoughts on it please!

god bless.

Unhappy Birthday

well as you can see that title is rather grimm, tis a title that no-one should have to begin their blog post with. so let me explain.

firstly thank you to those few that did remember (mostly family) you made the beggining of my day very swell. i appreciate the presents they all have a lot of thought in them i can tell.
this year i didn't really want anyone to dance around and sing happy birthday, to me i just wanted it to be another day, you must be thinking "why? its the day fro celebrating your life!" yes i relise that but the paradox of the matter is that that is the very reason i didn't want you to make a fuss over celebrating it this year, last year i was let down with my expectations of the day, and that ebded quite horribly. this year i almost eradicated my expectations, yet was still let down quite badly yet again.

first spell of school i got my geo exams back and failed two out of three papers (i feel hatred for nz's education system and the way it functions) and due to the bracketed reason i was not too upset, i let it blow over, only one of my "friends" remembered that it was today and that was because her cell phone reminded her, at the end of the day barely half a dozen people gave me their condolences.

while book shopping and just killing time in the mall, i got some texts from a mate, i wont go into what the text's were about as that is a personal matter, but basically ended with her saying "yea fuck you!" and not replying after that, now apparently its my fault for having a bad day that i ended up hurting her, im sorry but am i not allowed to feel compelled to at least a little praise on my BIRTHDAY!. obviously i was mistaken when i awoke with that expectation. i don't ecpect much from my friends let alone on my birthday, but what i do expect is decency which is why i get so torn apart when those expectations are not fulfilled. birthdays are no longer about the presentts to me, nor about my own selfish pride but the least i expect is some gratification for the effort i put in for every friendship i have ever built. is that too much too ask? am i really that self centred?

the only solutions i see to this problem is one of the following.
either you all do me a favour and let me have my wish of not celebrating my brithday.
or i ditch the friendships that i have worked so hard to build over the years and find a whole new group who will give a damn about my feelings and who i am as a person, i generally am very tolerant and can take a lot of stuff before i crack, but this is all too much, i simply can't go on like this.

im sure this is all just a rant of the moment, but i am never deleting this post, i want my friends to know that their actions can seriously hurt a person, their ignorance is not bliss and their arrogance is certainly not a thing to joke about.

i have one last visit from a friend tonight, maybe she can redeem me from my slumber of sadness.

i did all i could to stay close to god today and not let the little things get to me, i was the most tolerant i have ever been today but its all too much, i felt a little better at bible study tonight as they went to greater lengths than my supposed friends were able to go to, to make my day something worthwhile. i didn't feel any different when i woke up but my eyes are certainly opened to a lot as i go to bed tonight.

thanks, god bless...

Judah

well tonight we had worldwide evangelist Chris hill with us all the way from Texas.
I'm resenting that i did not get a personal word with him, as he was without a doubt the most brilliant preacher i have yet come across, however as one well knows it is not the preacher that is important it is god's word, the preacher is merely god's puppet for giving us his message (and oh lord what a beautiful puppet show it is.)

tonight was without a doubt the most amazing experience in my life, in terms of praising god i have never felt such satisfaction, such a sense of elation, joy and ecstasy. as my previous post pointed out i only wish that word's could describe my experience to you all however the fact that they can't is what makes these moments so precious to us. after tonight i fell as if god has touched me, we really did connect and he has certainly sowed a seed in my heart that i will nurture and harvest for the rest of my life. my brother Sam ( and a few others) asked me to find out what denomination this church classed itself as, i was going to but i now see that irrelevant, i feel at home in this church god is without a doubt calling me to work with this church. my official next steps are to arrange my baptism and get as involved in the church life that i possibly can. it's funny that i now find myself not wanting to go to school next year again but this time for a completely different reason, i don't want to waste time i want to get straight out there with god's message of salvation for other's ( i will however go next year as its an opportunity best taken a hold of.)

Chris hill preached in the lunch service on the book of Joshua and the crossing of the Jordan river and the laying of the stones in the river, in the night service he preached on genesis 38 (yes the whole chapter) Judah directly translates to praise, this chapter in genesis is a very deep and controversial chapter, i see it as a metaphorical analogy of the very ethics of Christianity itself.

i will not try to repeat everything that was said tonight as i do not have the capacity to do so, but the main message was that it's time for us as a nation, as a generation to grow up, to let go of the cheap pleasures that this world can offer us and to reach out to god, we need not to wait around anymore for thing's to happen (a building doesn't build itself) we need to act.

i always had a bit of a mind block on my faith for god, and i can now assure you that it is eradicated, so many times i have said "god I'm surrendering all to you, the glory will all be yours, i want you to use me for your own purpose, my pain my suffering doesn't matter, it is nothing to what wonder's your love can inspire" so many times have i also wanted so badly to believe in that very speech, yet there was always a block on my mind which would ask "really?"
that's all it needed to ask to present doubt in my mind, that voice is gone now, i need not worry about my suffering anymore, about what other's think of me, i am no longer ashamed of the bible and the salvation it offers.

an example of how much time i am now devoting to god's purpose, i just delayed the wiriting of this post for two reason,s. to have a theological?philisophical conversation with a friend about the existence of god and the differences about christianity to any other religion, and to help a friend in need. my only purpose i see fit for myself is to help other's, as i have pointed out a few times now, i feel as thoguh that is my purpose in life, my very name means "god be my judge" and i shall live by that in every aspect for now on.

i really don't know what else to say, i just feel so great today, i don't want to let this feeling stop and i don't intend to. i intend now to use my time wisely and my resources even wiser.

Reflections

well, as few might know i certainly was a bit of a killjoy last year and bit of this year as yes i was depressed.

but screw it let's not focus on that, that's dirt and ash now.
i sit here at 2:48 am, a bit tired but just too attentive to give a damn.
some thoughts often go into my head at night, i have always been a night kid i remember staying up as late as i could watching the star's out my window, i never made it past midnight or 1 am. damn sleep deprivation would always win the battle. it feels good to be up so early because its a good feeling to know that apart from street bound drunkards and maybe the odd person or two in their house, i am isolated. i feel like i have the world at my fingertips and everyone is busy dozing. its the same as being a ship alone in the vast ocean, you feel a certain authority to walk around naked or just yell stuff, you feel free in a sense because the fact is everyone is not one this world anymore there all happily dreaming in their sleep (sleeps over rated =)

now to get to the basis of my post this morning,
i feel as if i have just come out of a tropical storm (no nots because I'm in welly) it feels as if i have been thrown around, tossed about, toyed with, abused and hurt by the storn yet i walk out a new man. its funny when you go to look back on things you just think, what on earth was i doing? how did i manage to get there? it gives me a great sense of achievement to know that despite everything i have endured for the past tow years (maybe longer, apply the boiling frog theory) it was getting worse ever since when i started high school. i didn't know it my excuse was always "I'm just a teenager" but like the frog i had no clue what was wrong till it was too late, the thing is when i was in there, freaking out, giving up over and over again realising that there was nowhere i could go after i did give up anyway, i felt something tugging at me inside. it was something that was almost saying "come on Daniel you're not like this snap out of it" did i listen to it?

nope at that point and time i was too self obsessed to care, my only thoughts would be why me? or why isn't she texting back? does anyone care? etc etc. as i look back on it i realise just how dumb i was, even typing this down helps me put into focus just how much i have changed, it feels like i have literally gone from a kid to an adult (well that generally is the purpose of adolescence huh?) but i really need to put emphasis on this point, the appropriate analogy would be like seeing a seed turn into a tree, you look at the seed and think how on earth is that going to turn into a tree, you come back to years later and think, wow THAT came out of the seed? the seed being no bigger than any of your nails has turned into a towering (or not) tree that is now taller than you.
most of us accept these things and just say "well what happens, happens" but i think this i an abuse of the changes that take place. (if you're a thinker i think you will see where I'm coming from)

i feel, well I'm firstly glad that it's all over, i always told myself "this is part of life, get through it and you will come out for the better" and knowing now that i don't retaliate when someone insults me (unless as a harmless joke), i don't feel anger in myself (only annoyance from time to time), i don't feel an ounce of jealousy, i don't feel worthless, i don't feel as if i have to prove myself to anyone, i don't feel as if I'm compelled by what others think of me, i barely feel anything now ( in the good sense) except love, whether it be love towards my mates, my really close friends, that special someone (I'll get back to you on that), love for family or even love towards a stranger who text's me and i find out they are feeling down but don't bother asking their name, as names to me are unimportant, its the person who touches you, words can never equate to the feelings of love from one human to another (too true)

the bible (without going to deeply religious on those that aren't) Tell's us that good trees will bear good fruit and bad trees, bad fruit. i think we can all take a lesson in this as it Tell's us that to produce great feelings for ourselves or for other's we first need to look into our own soil and ask "what do i not want in my life?" and for me personally god has allowed me to answer that question and helped with the disposal of those thing's, im not going to stay on this topic of religion as i know personally the last thing you non-religious people want is someone ranting about how god saved them, but i feel it is definitely worth a mention.

words will never be able to explain the senses of man, they have always failed to do so as well (well with complete accuracy that it) why do you think we are so akin to quotes? we love the idea that word's will describe what's inside we love the idea of communicating with other's what we are feeling ( it what we were made to do) however od you notice that we always either have a big list of quotes or go from one to another? i feel obliged to call some of these experiences, experiences of joy and ecstasy.

i also feel compelled to let any of you know that if you ever want to talk in more detail about my experiences or have any questions about what,why,how etc than i am more than happy to do my best ot answer, don't get me wrong i don't think i am better than any of you for my experiences, that is another thing i got rid of. pride.
and i sure as heck know now that my reason for being here is to do just as i have, sharing my experiences, helping anyone out anytime (literally 24/7), not for self glory, not to say that im a good person (although i do acknowledge my efforts at times and do occasionally wish others would acknowledge it) but all that doesn't matter.
a friend in need is a friend indeed, i don't care if your black, white, fat, thin, mental, weak, or whatever, what matters to me is what is on the inside for what lies on the inside is not only your inner child, but the truth, the truth about yourself and all the answers to all your questions, what lies on the inside is the seed, we are the soil harvesting our tree and just like the tree diagram we have many routes and paths that we can choose and ultimately the eyes are the gate way to the soul (one of my firm beliefs, hence they are my favourite body part) there is a reason our head is closer to our mouth than our heart.
thinking is good, never stop questioning everything. use your word's despite the weakness of them i have just pointed out they still hold power and words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning.

Father's Day Thoughts.

ok well as a sentimental post to fathers day, not only am i going to talk about father's and just how truly great they are but about parenting in general and how it is overlooked, as i can imagine that it is indeed a full time job.

ok now let me just note to all of you that when i was younger (well only a year or so ago) i used to say on fathers and/or mothers day "what about kid's day? why do you get a birthday and a fathers/mothers day?" i think both of them at one time or another responded with "everyday is kid's day" i realise now that this statement is absolutley true, we as kid's do what every generation of kid's do, we rebel. personally i think this is a good thing as it allow's the child to challenge himself and explore his or her options while learning from the mistakes he or she makes, however i think (as most parents would too) that limits do need to be set.

the love from a parent to a child is relentless, the only thing more graceful and unconditional than it would be god's love for every living thing on this planet. it's hard for us (us being teenagers mostly) to see this as adolescense is a place where we are allowed to feel comfortable to get away with almost anything, its a dangerous spot indeed as it allows us to assume the actions and experiences of adulthood without acquiring the responsiblity that comes along with it. we (as a youth population) fail to see the effort's that our parents put into the upholding of our live's they buy our clothes, buy our groceries, cook our food (the majority of time, im working on it) wash our clothes, maintain the household (often with minimal help) clean our dishes etc etc (as im not a parent i can't exaclty go forth on every detail) and most importantly i think possibly the hardest part for our parent's is to cater to our every need, whether it be putting a smile on our face when our day hasn't gone too well to organising every detail of our birthday party to ensure we have a good time, i think the common arguement of our generation being the "lazy generation" could never be more true, we are well aquainted with, emails, car's, computers, air travelling and many other things of the sort's, every task that was once considered streneous and would have given one a sense of achievement "back in the day" has been catered for us nowaday's no longer do we have to make any effort at all to complete a task, no longer do we feel a sense of achievement once we do something, we really do have it easy (probably the easiest) as children and i think it's important that we take note of this so that we can thank them for their efforts, we truly cannot comprehend how easy we have it, whether it be as kid's or simply as a generation.

so here is a oath to our forefather's and the ones that are the reason we are here today, the reason that we have such a great, easy and careless life.
thanks mum and dad for everything you have ever done for me and all the great oppotunities that you have given me, i am changing all the time and am making extra efforts to help you guys out, i am your child, you have dedicated 16+ years of your life to ensuring im safe and well educated and fed and healthy so i will do all i can to pay you back.
im forever in your debt, thanks